Hospital Stay

I feel up to talking about my recent stay at our lovely, local hospital. It is brand spanking new, and I could tell from the get go, woefully understaffed. From the moment I sat my staph infected behind (well, my leg was infected, not my behind) into the pristine, fashionable, lime green chair in the admissions waiting room, I knew I was in for a trip. There was NOBODY there. I mean, I could literally see 2 employees in the whole, massive lobby.

After being admitted, I was escorted to the fifth floor, where I walked down the deserted hallway to my cell, er, I mean room. I sat around with Mom for probably about an hour before someone came in to see me. It was a very kind, very dingy nurse, whom I will call Lucy. Lucy was overworked. I later found out that Lucy was covering the ENTIRE fifth floor. I also found out more about her personal life than I ever wanted to know, because Lucy was a talker. A talker who just had her thyroid removed from her neck, via her throat, making it almost impossible to understand her. And she had a lisp. I couldn't make this stuff up.

About 4 hours after I get settled in for my IV, she comes in to actually put it in my arm. Mom and I had managed to play a lot of Boggle by then, though I was already feeling a bit edgy about the lack of attentiveness. When she comes in, she asks what arm I normally get needles in, and I replied it was my left, and then since I give blood regularly, proceeded to show her which vein they usually use. Disturbingly, she just took my word for it, tied a tourniquet around my arm and stuck the needle right under where I had my finger pointed. I just about died. I mean really, what if I had pointed to my eyebrow? I could have been blinded. It was too bizarre.

Then much later, after I had already been in the hospital about 9 hours, she brings in my admission papers. Nice. Then she handed them to us and told us to fill them out for her, if we didn't mind. I didn't mind, but then again I was all doped up. Mom pointed out that they all said "TO BE FILLED OUT BY R.N." about 4 times on each page, but by then Lucy had disappeared into oblivion. (I could have hit the call button, but it was pretty much useless. I could have had a massive coronary and mom would have had to run out into the deserted hall to search for Lucy, who probably then would have asked if mom knew CPR.) So mom filled out things like: Does patient appear to be abused in any way, and: Does patient appear to be an alcoholic. I was drooling and giggling at the boggle dice, so I just have to trust that she used her best judgement.

I wish I could tell you that the rest of my stay was better, but it really was not. I'm not kidding, the doctor even wrote in my chart to treat the wrong leg, which made me glad I wasn't there for surgery. On the plus side, they had an extensive menu and excellent room service. The only bad part about that is that because I was in isolation, they could not deliver to my room. So they had to set the food outside my door, and I had to wait for Lucy to bring it in to me, which meant it sat out there for a while. But hey, they got it up there in a hurry. If I ever have to go back, which I hope I never do, I'm taking a bullhorn. That will get their attention.

So there you go. A brief sampling of my recent confinement. My boss was like, I wish I had a few days to relax like that. I assured her that it was in no way relaxing, but I'm not sure she believed me. But I bet now you do! Did I mention I was glad to be home?