I need a stopwatch.

I need a stopwatch. I need a stopwatch because every second that goes by seems so fast. Too fast. How can I possibly enjoy all the fleeting smiles, giggles and grins that seem to disappear before they even fully register? I never imagined being a mom to be this fulfilling and heart wrenching all at the same time. Every time she does something new, amidst the rejoicing and laughter a little part of me says "Just wait. Wait for me. I'm not ready." But in this life waiting is not an option, and so my little, tiny, six pound baby has grown into busy, curious, vivacious one year old. While I am eternally grateful that I have a child that will grow up, sometimes I still find myself looking down at the squirming child in my arms and wonder how could this have happened so fast. How could I have already forgotten how small she really was? How could she have gone from the crook of my elbow to walking away from me in such a short amount of time?

Where did all the time go?

The hardest and most breathtaking lesson I have learned in the past year is that she will grow up. She will grow up and never know - until she has her own children, that her whole life, from the moment I knew I was pregnant, she has had my heart. It beats right there with hers, every second of every day, resounding the fact that I am completely in love with her.

The last year has been the most difficult year of my life. I have had to learn many things and undertake responsibilty that before I had not known. But looking back, from the trials of breastfeeding and sleepless nights to this point, now, facing her first birthday, I know three things with one hundred percent certainty: This has been by far the best year of my life. This has been the most rewarding year of my life. This has been the most blessed year of my life. So while reflecting on where we have been is bittersweet, looking foward to what is in store for us in the next year is, well... just sweet.