How God is rocking my socks

It just happens that I started two new Bible studies and a Book Club this week. Jacob and I are working on one together, our church ladies started one on Esther and the book is Crazy Love by Francis Chan (check out the club here.). I'm not gonna lie... it was time to start something. It seems with all the craziness going on the last few months that my spiritual life had become, dare I say it...


stagnant.

This seems to be the word that brings out a lot of judgement in people. Like "oh my gosh, how dare you go through a time where you don't feel close to God. I am questioning how saved you are now. How could this have happened if you were living like you should live?"

So for anyone who is thinking that, I just took care of your comment for you. :)

In truth, behind the judgement there are small slivers of truth. It seems hard to comprehend how you can have a season where you don't feel close to God. I mean, come on, how is that physically possible. I mean, he's RIGHT THERE. I get that. I've not doubted his presence. It just seemed hard to communicate, like we couldn't be totally BFF because my heart had this wall around it, and I wasn't sure what it was or how to tear it down. I still don't know what it was, but I can finally feel it coming down.

In truth I think the sudden immersion in all these books has helped. They cause me to be introspective, something I rarely take time to do on my own. Who has time to be introspective, really? But in the hub-bub and chaos it's important to do, I think I had forgotten that. Also, just the new information and challenges to think outside of the box are awesome. I mean, put this in your heart a minute:

"Not being able to fully understand God is frustrating, but it us ridiculous for us to think we have the right to limit God to something we are capable of comprehending. What a stunted, insignificant God that would be! If my mind is the size of a soda can and God is the size of all the oceans, it would be stupid for me to say He is only the small amount of water I can scoop into my little can. God is so much bigger, so beyond our time encased, air/food/sleep-dependant lives."
-Francis Chan

Or this one totally rocked both Jacob and I. We actually read it out loud over and over, just to make sure it sank in:

"If you have children, never lose sight of the fact that God gave them to you. Our children are a gift from God and one day we must give an account to Him for the way we raised them. For the Christian, family life isn't a detour, it an important part of our discipleship."- Billy Graham

That was a hard-core, pee my pants moment. One day we must give an account to HIM. But I love how it's the way we raised them, and not for the choices they make. I love that distinction, the recognition that we can only do so much before they make their own choices. That we are responsible to them, but not for them.

So much is swirling around in my soda can head right now that is so God-centered that it's hard to organize it all. My brain isn't a compartmental brain, it's a gumbo. It all goes together and mixes around and can't separate anything from anything else, which is why I cry at commercials. But it's also making this week very interesting. Mixing together the challenge of finding God in Esther, with leaving a legacy for my children and the challenge to recognize God for the supreme awesomeness that he is, well, I'm just feeling those walls of questionable consistency crumble.

And I am totally. down. with. that.