Getting a Grip then Letting Go
I don't post much about my internal processing. There is no particular reason for this, I guess I just would rather work things out in private. I read many blogs that do talk about their own emotional lives and I love them, I guess it's just never been my own style. But I think this one needed to come out.
I have been trying to come to grips with the fact that I will probably have an early baby. I don't suppose I have to tell you that this has not been easy or fun. Despite reassurances by my doctors that things will turn out well in the end- an early baby is just that... early. Early means complications. Early means small. Early means very little chance of breastfeeding. Early means not taking my baby home and preemie clothes. Early, to be blunt, sucks. It scares me to death no matter what face I put on.
Tonight I have really been thinking about this and praying on it. It seems in my life I have no problem turning THINGS over to God, but when it comes to my family, to PEOPLE, I would really rather just be in charge. Ouch. That was a nasty revelation about myself. Looking back into my life I realized I have always been this way. I have no problem letting God run our finances, marriage etc... but I want to put my grubby paws all over my family.
This has to stop, and I'm going to start actively trying to get out of His way. Why is it that with all I have seen Him do, I still can't get myself to say "Hey, I know you've got this, so I'm just gonna step off." Who better to trust with my family than the one who has formed them from nothing, has numbered the hairs on their head, who knows them completely? Who am I to think that I can better take care of them than my God can? This all boils down to an ugly lack of trust, and an unseemly amount of arrogance. You don't play "anything you can do I can do better" with the Creator. You will lose. I am losing. I'm quitting the game. I am repenting of this long held sin in my life.
It seems so easy to suggest that we pray for His will to be done, and yet, when it comes down to the actual surrender of things closest to the heart, surrendering gets hard. But here I am- publicly surrendering the welfare of my son to God. I can do nothing about our situation. I can change nothing about our situation. I am handing over our situation, because in the end- God's will WILL be done, no matter what I think or say or do. I'm getting out of the way, and I'll be checking on myself to see that I don't start encroaching on His territory again. I encourage, and would appreciate, all of you to hold me accountable to this goal.
If this child is meant to be early, so be it and Amen. If he is not, then he will not be, regardless of what my doctor says, my cervix, says or anyone under the sun says. He will be right on time, and I will praise God for that.
14 comments:
You're still sleeping or I'd tell you myself, but just so you know.... I love you.
Momma
praying...and you know what else? I love you too, your honesty and your heart!!!
Andi, there is no better place to be than resting in His arms. I have had to do that with some pretty hard things in life. It is the only reason I am still around. May the Lord hold you close and give you peace. May you rest like a weaned child agains Him. Psalm 131.
(((ANDI)))
I know how hard it is to "let go" and "trust God" in these situations. I have been there. Baby's prognosis at this gestation is excellent. Baby would likely only have to be in the hosp for a week or two. Not very long at all. My best friend had her son a couple weeks ago at 32wks, 2days.. and baby came home at 33wks, 6days!
The Lord uses all these trials in our life, not to consume us or burn us out - but to perfect us and mold us to His perfect will. Yes, it is painful to be put through the fire.... But if you allow the Lord to do His work in your life - you will see amazing changes take place! :D
I love you Andi! I just want to leave you with Psalm 139. It has helped me through many issues with MY Andy.
The best place is be is contentment with where you are! This is one of those incredibly important life lessons for moms and one you might have to revisit as your children grow. Thank you, thank you for sharing it with us!
this is such an important lesson, one i continue to struggle with. i know God is protecting Keegan, you, all of us. and i need this reminder as i try and fail and try again in the surrendering department. you continue to be in my prayers.
(((Andi))) What a beautiful post. And how true that is in my life, as well. You're right...whenever Keegan makes his appearance it will be right on time...God's time!
I'll continue praying!
you are a very wise lady. With God watching over things you and Keegan are in good hands.
((((ANDI)))) I know how hard this must be for you, going through something frightening with no control over the outcome. These are the times in our lives when God stretches and refines us for his own glory in mighty ways! I'm praying often for you and baby Keegan, and I know that this will prove to be another miracle to add to your long list of situations where God has proven more than faithful.
My son was born, very unexpectedly, at 33 weeks. I was petrified! He was small but you would never know that now. He's 6 months old, 16 pounds, and doing great now. And he is still breastfeeding. We had no trouble with that even though I didn't get to nurse him right away. Oh, and we did lots of praying over him, too. God is with you in all of this; He promises that! Know that you are being prayed for!
You said is sister. Well put.
- Terrible Speller
In Hebrews we are told that we are never left alone and never forsaken. As a mom I know all too well how hard it is to rest in Him. I don't know why I am that way either, other than the Bible says it is our human sinful nature to want that control. One thing I have learned is that control was never ours, it just seems like it is. I have lost count of the times I have had to step aside and "let" God back in the lead. My 6 year old Elizabeh is one blond and curly headed example of God's protective hedge. I have learned (ha! I am still learning) through her that He is really in control.
Even though I might not have offered any reassuring words I hope you know that I COMPLETELY understand what you are talking about and have that same control issue. I know God is using you to remind us all that He is in control.
I wish you God's many blessing for you, your wee one, and your whole family. Know also that you are in my prayers.
Amen to all of the above. I'm praying right now for you and Keegan. God does have him right where he wants him. Please let me know if I can do anything for you.
~Lindsey~
Isa 65:24 And it shall come to pass, that before they call, I will answer; and while they are yet speaking, I will hear.
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